I do love my new job but it keeps me very busy. So busy that I rarely have time to meet the family and not nearly enough time to spend with my friends. As it's now gearing up for an even more than usual hectic weeks ahead with endless meetings, legal projects piling up, trips around Iceland as well as a short trip to Scotland, I took time out to priorities.
While the pile of undone documents, memos, projects and assignments continues to get dangerously high and while I'm almost too busy to breath I took time off to buy a new bag and boots.
I didn't actually know I still had this page. I honestly thought I'd deleted all of my blogs a year ago but lo and behold here I still am. Lurking away on the internet with depressing stories of backpains, stomach aches and looming deadlines of Master's thesis.
While no one in particular - and by that I of course mean no one at all - still reads this, I still think the internet will be happy to know that all is well with the world. I might be a little financially challenged after 5 years of law school and too many shoes but I finished my thesis. Got a job that I love. Am renting a perfect and far too pricy apartment with my best friend. Am lazy about exercise but good at having fun. Am looking good and feeling even better.
I've got this nagging feeling as if I left the water running or the stove on. To top it off I feel extremely homesick, which is not just sad but utterly bizarre since I'm actually lying in my very comfy bed in my very comfy home. Maybe this can all be traced back to the fact that I'm not sleeping despite the allconsuming comfiness.
pressed It might not seem like much but for me it's getting to be a little too much. I'm having a terrible year so far, in 84 days I have to hand in my Master thesis that's just not going, getting or doing anything at the moment. Except of course driving me crazy and remaining decidedly unfinished. Although I was lucky enough to get an internship for a great law firm I've spent most of my time staying at home sick, I've been through two flues, two pneumonia, a stomach bug and horrible back pain. After last years bout of actually losing first the feeling and then the strenght in my legs, three months of bed rest and endless amount of pain I've had it with being sick. I just don't have the Pollyanna personality to deal with this. I've also gained weight, which for me is a big one. After losing over 50 pounds it feels like a huge failure to pile it on again. I'm not close to where I was and I know that what with not being able or allowed to work out this was bound to happen but it's just so unfair. A year ago I was excersising and running 6 times a week and now I probably couldn't run for 10 minutes, even to save my life.
I'm having a terrible year, so bad in fact that I've been thinking that perhaps I might actually be depressed. For some reason I've decided that in order to diagnose myself I will have to know whether I'm having a terrible year because I'm depressed or if it's the year that's making me depressed. Usually this train of thought only leads me to the conclusion that I'm not really depressed despite the terribleness of the year, I'm just entirely fed up with the way things are. Today the thought that there are over 10 more months left of this year finially entered my head and now I actually might just be depressed...
Life's been a bit odd lately, or maybe life's been the same as ever and I'm the one at odd with things. I'm not quite sure what is going on but I know that I definetly want to get even...
insecurities Started an internship with a prominent respectful law firm. For the day I've been there it looks promising and interesting and challenging in the best of ways but I now live in the constant fear that they'll find me out and send me packing. In order to minimise the changes of that happening I bought two pairs of shoes today. Nothing says professionalism like nice shoes.
Went out for a pack of cigarettes 2 years ago. Still unsure when or even wether I'll be back but I'm sure if you all believe in fairies and clap real loud, Disney will come and charge you with copyright infringement.
and my days are way too long. Which basically means that my nights are way too short. Last week I got 15 hours of sleep and handed in an assignment which I think went well, but I might be wrong. After only a week of classes I'm not sure we understood the assignment properly...
So this weekend I'm going to sleep and study since I'm already hundreds and hundreds of pages behind.
I'm not saying this blog is dead but it's very very ill.
So hugs all around and I will continue to check up on everyone else even though my own entries might become few and far between - so not much of a chnage there...
Lola - you will still have to contact me if you come to Iceland
Jack - go away :p
Jason - good luck with the whole wedding from hell, just remember you're getting a great girl
J - Don't know what to say to you but stop calling me in the middle of the night... There is a timedifference thingy to consider - figure it out!!!
...which of course isn't really true. Even though the news are pretty much old and boring I did go on a shopping spree so I have a closet full of new clothes I can't really wear.
I know what you're thinking, and in most cases it's "Why buy clothes you can't wear?" even though some of you and you know you are, were first plagued by the "Get thee to a gym and diet for crying out loud so you can get you're huge butt into your new clohes" thought. To you who thought the latter I say - Bugger of, I go to the gym 3-4 times a week you chainsmoking asshole and my butt is of no buisness to you - so but out!!!
I will on the other hand offer an explanation to the polite people who were only really interested in knowing why I would spend little money I have on unwearable clothes.
And my explanation is this:
Sales are over, all the stores are stocked to the ceiling with warm winter clothes.
If that explanation doesn't suffice you might have to consider that we're having a heatwave in Iceland. So my stylish, yeat affordable warm winter clothes aren't really wearable at all these days.
So yeah maybe the whole heatwave also qualifies as new news, but utterly boring news at that. I mean who really likes talking about the weather? Even if it goes up to 30°C (around 90F)it just isn't interesting is it? I mean not like I-just-bought-myself-two-cool-jackets,-3-pairs-of-shoes-and-way-too-many-sweaters-and-shirts Interesting. No siry Bob, the heatwave is all but interesting. The only thing it is really is annoying.
And not just because I can't trot around looking fabulous in my stylish rags but also because this is Iceland. And in Iceland we don't have airconditioning or ceiling fans or anything. Stupid hurricanes turning into heatwaves!!!
So nothing new really except that the weather is unbearable, my clothes are unwearable but the ice-cream makers are cashing it in...
to go or not to go*
I have one weekend off this summer and it's a week away. We had planned to go camping which I haven't done in years due to work and the whole being a big city kinda girl.
So I'm a big city kinda girl trapped in Reykjavík. Kinda funny really since Reykjavík is very far from being a big city even though Icelanders in general like to think it is. Reykjavík and the surrounding towns, collectively known as The BIG Reykjavík Area, stretches over more area than alot of large and higly populated cities but there are still only around 110thousand people who live here. Granted it is more than third of the contry's population but still small.
Alot of people make fun of me for never going camping, for loving cities, for rather wanting to go to a hectic, big, stressfild city to relax then go camping in the rain and cold doing the whole back to nature thingy.
Don't get me wrong, I like nature, I like camping, I went on a 6 week camping trip in America but given the choice, London is much more of a break than freesing my ugly ass off in some beautiful-but-can't-reaaly-see-it-because-of-all-the-rain-place.
Which brings me to my dilemma, I could not go camping and go to London instead!!! When I was sixteen I went to London for a week on my own and fell completely in love with it. Now they're offering seats to London for 12000 krónur (the Icelandic monetary currency, roughly translates to 165USD)And with prices in Iceland, I would spend three times that to go camping... And it's London!!!
The thing is that all my friends are going camping and I don't really have anyone to take with me as a security blancet to London. Not that I really need one but still... So people what should I do?
don't you just hate those Shakesperian wordplay thingies?
Won't be posting alot - which of course isn't much of a change...
It's not that I'm not allowed to blog at work but it's frowned upon. Which basically means that I'm not allowed to blog but they're just too nice to be up front about it..
Also sun - sun with it's shining and heating things up. Sun and lots of it, which means that I basically have a constant skullsplitting headache. I really don't get it. For over half the year it's dark 24/7 and everybody's depressed, including me, and than for 3 months the sun won't go down no matter how much I will it to - which in turn also makes me depressed.
In other news the heat has been pretty much unbearable since we don't have any air-condition in the stuffy office I work in and only few of the windows are of the opening kind. This might not sound like good news but the whole oxygen deprevasion is a great way to pass (out) time and a cost affective way to train for a hike up Mount Everest... the thin mountain air should not be much of a problem!
I just can't get Everything with Alanis Morisette out of my head. Usually when a song gets itself stuck in my head it is entirely unwanted but somehow manages to plant itself inside my cranium and multiply so that even when I succeed in getting it out of my head it is still there, lurking in the shadows ready to jump forward and irritate the living hell out of me. This is not one of those time. This time it's voluntary...
I got to work at 8 this morning and put alanis on replay, so far I haven't turned it off... You see every morning I wake up with the same song echoing in the vacum that is my head - sadly it isn't Everything. Instead I get out of bed humming All my life I’ve been waiting
For you to bring a fairy tale my way
Been living in a fantasy without meaning
It’s not okay I don’t feel safe
And every morning I feel like throwing up while I scream bloddy murder and wish to god this song would just be Left Outside Alone, in the cold where it can die a slow, painful and hopefully violent death. Fortunatly when I blast the brilliant Everything, it manages to scare the terrible Anastacia travesty back into the shadows and instead I can joyfully declare how I can be an asshole of the grandest kind...
Everything
I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby
And you’ve never met anyone who's
As negative as I am sometimes
I am the wisest woman you’ve ever met
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected
I have the bravest heart that you’ve ever seen
And you've never met anyone who's
As positive as I am sometimes
You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to
Which you can't relate
And you’re still here
I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive, aggressiveness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you never met anyone who's
As closed down as I am sometimes
You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything of
Which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you’re still here
What I resist, persist, and speaks, louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter, how low or high I go
I am the funniest woman that you've ever known
I am the dullest woman that you've ever known
I am the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known
And you've never met anyone as everything as I am sometimes
You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you’re still here
You see everything
You see everything - you're still here...
breaking up is hard to do... (or your wish is my command*)
haven't really had much to say lately and since I didn't reallly think anyone read this anymore I left what little I did have to say unsaid. Probably a good decision considering everything.
So everything is mostly a break up, a near flunk, moving, tears and a near death experience. Actually the last thing is a lie since I've been very much alive and mostly well but I just had to add something exciting to the mixture since otherwise it sounds alot like a bad teen movie. With the near death experience at least it could be a half a decent teen flick but oh well...
I have been feeling a little sixteen lately. The sixteen feeling is closely related to the whole drama of breaking up the as well as the lack of responsability I've been showing and that's where flimsy also comes to play.
So I guess I've been feeling a little sixteen and flimsy lately. I didn't do well on my exams, not because I couldn't but because I just didn't. And that's where the annoyence kicks in.
So really I have been feeling a little sixteen, flimsy and annoyed lately. Evidentially I'm not a very forgiving person when it comes to my own failures and even though everybody else seems to think it was perfectly normal doing badly with the whole emotional rollercoaster I was going through at the time I just don't buy it. That just smells weak to me. As a result I am also annoyed with the "perfectly normal" people and in turn annoyed with myself for being annoyed with them. All of this than turns into a pot of self loathing when joined with the anger I have at myself for not being easier on myself.
So let us recap - I've been feeling a little sixteen, flimsy, annoyed, self loathing and angry lately. But truth be told I'm also very releaved and happy. I did do well enough on my exams to qualify for my student loans. I moved out and my dad and his family welcomed me with open arms (see I did get my student loans but they aren't enough to pay the rent). I started work and it's good being back, for the summer. I started going to the gym again and feel alot better about myself.
But still it is a bit sad - not in the way that I regret it... It is of course a little sad that I don't know if I will find someone who loves me as much as he did. Someone who idolises me and kisses the ground that I walk on. Than again I'm not really sure I want someone like that.
The really sad thing is that I kinda knew all along, I just didn't want to realize it. All this time it always felt as if we were 10 minutes late for everything. Not that we were but that was the feeling and I hate being late...
* the wish came from lola who wanted me to post in something else than the gibberish icelandic I so love to express myself in. Unfurtunately I cannot deliver on her other wish, which was to be able to understand icelandic, since it really is the most uncomprehensive gibberish language in the world, well to everyone except for the nearly 300thousand people who live here. Not that it really matters - I never post anything noteworthy on my icelandic blog, it's mostly just me cursing the government, the student loan thingy, mondays or myself. Pretty much the same as this blog - except here I tend to summarize :)
In one of my rambling about cellphones and how I hate the whole ringing they do I was pointed out that cellphones have off buttons.
Ok so it's true, they do. But the whole shuting one's phone off is a big thing. It's a statement I'm not really comfortable making. Maybe because I'm not entirely sure what that statement is really. But I do know that it is one, so I leave it on - instead I just put it on silent and don't answere it...
See that way I'm making the statement that I'm either too busy to answere the phone or just screaning. I can also keep tabs on who called me and when. As a bonus I don't get that clostraphobic, cut off, sinking sensation that comes when my phone's turned off...
Not just sick and tired but also just plain, old fashion sick. I have a fever, my head and stomach hurt and I feel like every bone in my body is trying to grind itself into powder. What is unusual about my sick night in is not that I feel like fainting half the time - that's pretty usual - but that he actually went out for the night. None of that "I have to stay with you because you're sick" stuff that he likes to pull... Also he's been out for awhile now, over 4 hours I'd say.
I don't mind it, I'm actually kinda relieved, for all I care he could be out all night. I like being alone and I´m also too sick to conversate or be fun or interested or just anything but plain ol' sick. Also I hate getting attention when I'm sick almost as much as I hate being sick.
The sad thing about all this - you know besides me not caring about him not being here - is that when he asks about my night I will probably lay a monster guilt trip on him for going out...
She finially broke up with her boyfriend - for good this time, or so she says. They've been together for a few years and it's been a struggle for the most part. Of course the struggle has mostly been for her since he doesn't seem to have any problem with fucking, dating or even having relationships with other women. When I've questioned her about it she's always replied that she loves him but relationships are hard work.
I don't get that - you don't have to work at your relationships with your friends. Is it still love if you have to work at keeping it alive and is it really still worth it if you have to work at being together? Bear in mind that I'm new to this whole relationship thingy but I just don't get it.
Sure I've had a fight or two but never about anything big or serious, they of course seemed big and serious at the time but that's just because I tend to take things way too seriously. I am now at peace with him declaring his love for me way too often - it was touch and go for awhile but I came to tearms with it...
Now I'm a little torn about what to do - they've broken up so many times before and always gotten back together. The first time they broke up I cursed his lying cheating ass and told her she was better off without that scum. When she took him back she was mad at me so each time they've broken up after that I don't say much - I tell her that he doesn't deserve her, that she could do better and that although he has it in him to become a good man he has a long way to go and she could get very hurt in the process.
She always takes him back and now despite my best judgment I don't curse him or tell her what a complete ass he is. When I see him I smile and am civil when I really want to tear his head off. I don't want to alienate her by telling her what I really think of him because I know that if (or probably when) they get back together she is going to need a friend. But I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing, I'm actually pretty sure I'm not...
